P I V O T
It's 5:05 p.m. and dinner is just getting set on the table. He walked into the house at 5:02. Dinner is 3 minutes late. It wasn't timed correctly - the second time in six months. Just six months of marriage. The yelling, so loud you are sure the neighbors are going to hear. I was so quickly spun around I had no time to actually react in any form of defense.
What had I done that was so bad that he was enraged? Why did three minutes matter? I made dinner. I made what he liked. It was hot food. Mama was right. I was worthless. Mama was right, I was selfish in not taking care of others. I had to have been thinking of only myself. No wonder she doesn't come around. She didn't come to the wedding. I wasn't worth it. He was right. I was worthless. Late dinner was completely my fault. My head hitting the bottom of a bolted down stove, moving it 3 inches and leaving a dent large enough to place a full grown mans finger into, well, that was my fault also. Had to be. He didn't mean to do it. I made him angry. He would never have hurt me if I had just put dinner on the table on time. I knew he worked hard. I knew his days were long. I should not have made him angry. He'll try harder not to allow himself to be angered by me or my selfish actions. Just don't make him angry and there will really be nothing to worry about.
What was I thinking? I wasn't. I was only believing that Mama must have been right and this is just how life is. My mom treated me this way, my husband treated me this way...this must be how it is for everyone... right? I must do better. Be better. Follow his rules. Follow their rules. As long as I don't make them angry, it will be okay.
This is where people get it wrong. They believe when someone is being abused physically, mentally or sexually, they can choose to leave. Immediately. That is not the case for most. Most were taught from the beginning that they were in the way, worthless, useless even. It doesn't matter if they are the ones that "figure out" every problem, "take care of" every issue, "make it work" when there is nothing to make it work with.. they are useless, in the way, "never going to be anything" pieces of property. Pieces of "dead space". So conditioned to believe this that it takes a major pivot, a major "life or death" situation, to get them to START to see that something is amiss. It isn't a good situation, or they are worth more. The latter is very rarely what they believe...ever.
Please see "The Last Ride,: it was the pivot for me. So many don't have that pivot. They lose the fight they did not realize they were in. Beautiful lives, female and male, young and old and everything in between - lost because of anger. Lost because of generational abuse. Lost because they could not see that they were never alone and either gave up or stayed too long because they fully believed they were useless.
Don't lose the fight. You are beautiful. You are loved. You were never a mistake. You were never useless. Confess your need, your sins, to Christ. Fully rely on him and he will see you through. He will rescue you even when its in you learning to pull up and pull out. Don't count on a knight or queen on a white horse, count only on God, his plan, and pay attention to the doors opening for you. Then understand that forgiveness is for you. It helps you leave the past behind. It does not mean you must allow that person or persons back into your life, but it means you are allowing yourself to grow, move forward, and be loved. Forgive yourself for staying. You weren't stupid, you were conditioned.
Just as God brings all things together for good for those who love him, remember, he loves you also. You've never been alone. You are reading this because he loves you. Take all the messy ingredients of life you have been given and pivot. Stop moving through the muck of the dough of life and throw it in the oven. Bake something beautiful. Bake freedom, life, and love in one batch. Start again with all the experience you have. PIVOT